I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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