i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize