You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
