she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
