my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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