So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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