Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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