i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
