im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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