I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
