I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
