I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
