where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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