I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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