Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
