I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
