Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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