the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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