ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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