Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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