Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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