Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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