Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
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i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
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You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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