Nicole vs. Life
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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