Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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