This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Watching her eat just hurts me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
