He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄