I think I am morally bankrupt
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.