dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?