i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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