I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
