I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
