I feel like I'm in dance class right now
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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