she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
