Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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