Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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