I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
