just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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