i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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