More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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