when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
