All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
