saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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