the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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