Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
