I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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