Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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