Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
