Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
