Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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