Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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