he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
