My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You ruined the universe
Randomize
