the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
