somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
