My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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