Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
