Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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