phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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