I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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