I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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